The second group of people comprises those at the other end of the pole. Not only do these people want to know what their spouse is up to, they want to know every little detail. Where, when, how and why are the usual questions being asked. Everybody else would probably fit in between. They want to know but they may not like to dig all the way to the most intimate part of the affair.

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The Pros & Cons Of Asking

Wanting to know every little detail of what your spouse has done has its pros and cons. If you don’t ask, you risk having your imagination run wild. Asking means having a chance to communicate and begin the process of healing from infidelity. It provides an avenue to be told the truth and learn what your spouse was feeling and thinking at the time of cheating.

But asking also means you have to know how to handle the truth. Sometimes, the answers that you get may be worse than what that you have originally thought. In other words, when your spouse is honest, the answers can be brutal and you may end up being more unhappy and angry with what you have heard than not knowing at all. For instance, the extent of the affair can be much deeper than what you had imagined it would be when you choose to ask about the details.

How To Get Your Spouse To Talk

So, should you find out more? Yes, if you are the type who needs to know in order to move forward and begin healing from infidelity by your spouse. But how you do it is crucial. In a lot of cases, the cheater is not willing to discuss and open up because once the affair has been discovered, the cheater expects you to move on and not linger on the past. To the cheater, recovery means moving on, forgive and forget.

But to you, recovery may mean opening up the past for discussion and heart-to-heart talk. You will have to make your spouse understand this before badgering him or her with countless questions. Also, bear in mind that healing from a cheating episode cannot happen overnight. Even if you need to know, do it with tact and understanding. Begin with the easier questions first, the ones which are less sensitive. Once you have slowly opened up the issue for discussion, you can then try asking the more difficult questions.

The other thing that you should do when wanting to know the details in healing from infidelity is to listen. A cheating spouse may be reluctant to talk because he or she is being judged. If you want to know the details and want it to become part of the healing process, you have to learn not to accuse and judge. Just listen although you can let your spouse know how you feel. But never be bitter or critical and start a fight. It will merely make your spouse clam up.

One last reminder would be don’t make it into an interrogation exercise. If you do that, it is only natural that your spouse would be defensive and this defeats the purpose of asking. The intention is to get your spouse to talk, not to start a fight. It is hard but you have to encourage your partner to talk. And you can only do that if you show that you are willing to listen and that you appreciate his or her honesty. Remember it can be hard for a cheater to open up because being involved in an affair is nothing to be proud of.

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Control

So, if you need him to be more open, you expect him to talk when you want him to. If you think he should spend more time at home, you demand that he accedes to your request. If you feel he should go with you to do your shopping, he must follow. It’s like a small price to pay for having cheated on you to do what you want him to do. To you, fixing the marriage after cheating has taken place should be more of his responsibility than yours.

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Perhaps, it’s a form of control. Because you have been betrayed, you want to take back control of your life and one way to do that is to start controlling your spouse, the one who has hurt you. Through exercising such control, you feel more in charged, which is a defense mechanism for further pain in the marriage after cheating seems to have wreck your happiness.

Willingness To Change

Sometimes, cheaters change and do what is being told because of guilt. But they change, not because they want to, but because circumstances are forced upon them. So, be aware that your spouse may be listening to you to change his behavior because he needs to do that to keep the marriage, not because it comes from within to want to do better to make you happy.

The difference between a willingness from within and external pressure to change is it can turn into a form of resentment for the latter. Imagine you are constantly being pressured by your spouse to change. Would you feel more disconnected from him rather than becoming more intimate? To save a marriage after cheating requires rebuilding intimacy and trust, not pressure on one or the other to change.

You Too Should Change

If you think your spouse should change, you should also look at yourself and see where you can change to make your relationship better. No doubt, your spouse may a duty to work harder to save the marriage after cheating but the reality is in a marriage, it takes two to tango. If you demand your spouse to change without evaluting your own weaknesses, you are not improving your relationship in any way. Remember, it may be your own weaknesses that pushed your spouse to look for warmth elsewhere in the first place.

The other good reason why you should change first before you demand your spouse to do the same is because you must take the lead to encourage him to move in the same direction. Your actions can influence your spouse. If he sees that you are serious in improving the marriage after cheating has taken place and you are changing in a positive way, he will be more likely to follow. For instance, if you make a change from being bitter to be more understanding, your spouse would be encouraged to get closer to you rather than the other way round. This will help to strengthen your marriage, all because you took the first step to change first.

Therefore, if you really think your spouse should change, always look at yourself as well and identify all your weaknesses, baggages, faults and insecurities. They too can be contributing factors to a lousy marriage overall.

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However, you need to remember that an important decision such as should I leave my spouse, needs to be decided with a clear mind. If your emotions are still raw, you should take the time to lessen the pain first before making the decision to stay or go. You should not let emotions to cloud your judgment, especially when you have kids and a future to think about.

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One common mistake is to think that cheating alone is enough to justify saying goodbye. That should not be the case. Because cheating is almost always a symptom of other problems in the relationship. It is these other problems you need to evaluate with equal or more importance when making your decision of whether to stay or to leave your marriage.

Look Behind The Cheating

If the problems at the foundation of your relationship has been long-standing and there is no compromise that you can see, then perhaps a divorce is an option. In other words, you need to look at the bigger picture and see whether the existing problems in your marriage can be resolved, apart from the cheating that has taken place. Can both of you work around these problems? Is there a willingness to make the marriage work? Is there room for compromise? These are tough questions you need to ask whenever your mind is focused on the issue of should I leave my husband or wife.

Sometimes, what it takes is to resolve those problems that have been left to fester in your marriage and the cheating issue will resolve itself. Focus on the root causes and problems and if they can be overcome, then your marriage can still have a chance to thrive. It is not merely the cheating you should concentrate and base your decision on to decide whether to stay or seek a divorce.

On the surface, because the cheating is the one that hurt you directly, that automatically becomes a good reason to leave. But if you go one level deeper, you will see all the cobwebs of your relationship lurking in dark corners. These cobwebs are the ones you need to seriously look into and decide if they can be cleared away. They are the ones that would give you a much better basis to decide it is still worth it to keep your marriage or otherwise.

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Understanding The Other Woman Through Forums

However, if you go through some of the forum and blog posts on being the other woman, perhaps you would understand them better. Not many actually sound like a bitch as they pour out their own pain, love and frustrations. In other words, you can detect their feelings of vulnerability, love and guilt. In fact, some of these women actually hope that the man they are involved with will continue to love the wife and not leave her because of them. This is probably a good signal of both love and guilt at play.

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To Get Back Your Husband

If you are the wife, it makes sense then that what you need to do to get back your husband is not to nag and label the other woman as a bitch. Because she is probably not and doing so will only make your husband come to her defense because the attachment is already there. You have to realize that it is easy for love and attachment to grow deeper if the other woman puts no pressure on your husband at all to leave you. It would only make him grateful for her support. Therefore, understanding the other woman is important because you will then have a better idea how to act if you want your husband to remain with you.

If your husband has 2 choices in front of him, he will compare and contrast. He will weigh what he will lose against what he has to gain. If you want to save your marriage, your job is to make it easier for your husband to decide to come back to you and leave the other woman. And you won’t achieve that if you start accusing and labeling the other woman as someone she is not, at least in your husband’s eyes. Therefore, understanding the other woman and using that to your advantage by saying the right things to your husband should be what you have to aim for.

Try showing the same patience, acceptance, understanding and grace so that your husband knows that you too can be as loving and compassionate and not a bitter, nagging wife that he dreads to come home to everyday. After all, the last thing that you would want to do is to push your spouse away into the arms of another.

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The other woman is merely someone who happened to be at the right place at the right time that enables her to start an affair with your spouse. The one who is cheating on you is your husband. What led to the cheating is because there are problems in your marriage. Perhaps his emotional or sexual needs are not being adequately met. Maybe there is no longer any spark in your marriage and boredom sets in. On a worst case scenario, it may be that your own husband is a serial cheater and requires professional intervention.

Focus On The Right Problem

Whatever the problems are, they may not be obvious or clear cut. Lack of communication may have played a role. Unless your husband is a serial cheater, most affairs begin because there are unresolved issues in your marriage that affected your spouse.

In other words, what you should be doing is concentrate on the fundamental problem in your marriage, not someone who happens to be the other woman. Confronting the other woman to express your displeasure or vent should be the last thing you should think about when your marriage is in a crisis. Remember that she is merely a distraction, not the root of the problem in your relationship. If you want to fix your marriage, you should correct whatever is wrong in it first and you won’t achieve that by confronting the other woman in your husband’s life.

If you concentrate on getting rid of the other woman rather than fixing your own marriage, the problem may remain unresolved. This means if another woman happens to come along, you will have another cheating episode on the cards.

So, be smart. Look for the root problem; not concentrate on someone who doesn’t even deserve your attention.

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However, while being faithful is necessary for a happy marriage, it is not something that you can automatically demand from your spouse. The dynamics of a relationship shifts over time and love and affection can take a backseat in the face of daily pressures. People tend to forget that a marriage needs constant hard work for it to flourish and not many are up to the task which contributes to the unfaithful spouse problem.

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Your Spouse Have Needs

In many marriages, feelings and circumstances change over time and so, you cannot expect your spouse to always feel the same way towards you. If your relationship with your spouse is lacking in intimacy or drifting apart, you cannot expect your spouse not to look for those emotional needs elsewhere. Similarly, if both of you have disconnected mentally, physically and emotionally, cheating may occur to fill those voids missing in your spouse’s life.

So, it’s not realistic to hold on to the belief that a spouse should not cheat, no matter the circumstances. Of course, we like to think that once people have taken their wedding vows, cheating has no place in a marriage. The truth is that people have emotional and physical needs to make them feel happy, contented, complete and fulfilled. If one of those things or more are missing in your spouse’s life, cheating can happen. It’s just a matter of whether he meets the right person at the right time for an affair to begin and turns into an unfaithful spouse.

Begin Healing

The point of this article is if you are the betrayed party, don’t keep holding on to the thought that your spouse should not have cheated at all. Don’t think that just because both of you have taken a vow, you can demand faithfulness at all times under all circumstances. Understand the reasons why he became an unfaithful spouse instead of feeling bitter that he has cheated. Otherwise, if you keep harping on the issue that your spouse should not cheat, you would not be able to take that first step towards acceptance and forgiveness.

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Communication Breakdown

If you think that there is little reason for your spouse to cheat because no big problems are present in your relationship, then you may be badly mistaken. Sometimes, your spouse may be dissatisfied and unhappy, but he chose not to tell you for some reason or other. There is a lack of communication there and as a result, there are a lot of things affecting your spouse that you may not be aware of.

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Improving marriage in such a case requires you to avoid the same mistake that you have made prior to the cheating episode. That is you need to work on the communication between you and your spouse. To do that, you will need to find out why your spouse made the choice of not talking to you but chose to seek comfort from someone else instead.

A Common Reason

For example, one of the common reasons why your spouse might choose not to be honest with you is because it often leads to quarrels, disagreements or simply coldness. Whenever an issue is brought up, he cannot be direct and truthful because you will become angry, cold, defensive or rude. It leads to much negativity that your spouse rather disconnects and shuts down than communicate further.

As time goes by, the dissatisfaction gets buried within although on the surface, everything seems normal. To your spouse, keeping quiet is simply a way to maintain peace, giving the impression that no major problems exist although improving marriage is already necessary and critical then.

Of course, there may be other reasons why your spouse may choose not to communicate with you. If you want a healthier marriage, you will need to find out why and fix this communication issue so that the risk of future cheating can be significantly reduced.

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One of the reasons why many people find it hard to rediscover the happiness in their marriage after cheating has taken place is because they lose sight of the goal. It becomes too hard as feelings are overwhelming.

So, you give in to the feelings of anger and betrayal that the language that you use to communicate with your spouse is reflective of these negativities. Once you use negative language, your spouse no longer has the incentive to talk and communicate as he becomes defensive, ashamed or guilty of his actions. However, for infidelity recovery to take place in a marriage, open channels of communication is vital to thrash out underlying problems and issues that led to the unhappiness in the first place.

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How To Reconnect For Infidelity Recovery

If you want to reconnect and reestablish communication with your spouse to improve your marriage, you have to understand that there are a few rules you should abide by:

1. Don’t judge. Judging what your spouse has done will cause you to use words such as should, shouldn’t, never and always. Try beginning a sentence with a “You” and then followed by those words mentioned. You will end up with a tone that creates distance rather than understanding.
2. Be alert to your own emotions. When you are angry, take a time out and calm down first. Know what you are feeling inside prior to opening your mouth. Being cheated on doesn’t mean you can say what you want without considering how your spouse would feel. If you are angry and you don’t control yourself, you will end up saying hurtful things that don’t do the relationship any good and thwart the process of infidelity recovery.
3. Learn to listen. Listening not only means hearing what your spouse is saying, but also truly understanding. Try to put yourself in his shoes and see things from his perspective. You will learn why he cheats and what makes him unhappy with you and the marriage, if he can be encouraged to express his deepest thoughts.

The above is just a few things you can do to reestablish the connection with your spouse and begin the journey of infidelity recovery to save your marriage. It may seem unfair that you have to do all the hard work and give in much although your spouse is the one who is in the wrong when he cheated.

Your Goal

That is why you have to always keep sight of your goal. If you want to keep your marriage and make it better than before, you need to take that first step. You cannot always keep score of what is fair and unfair in a marriage. The irony is the more you try to force things to be fair, the more unhappy you will feel because your marriage is not going to improve.

Sometimes, what it takes is a little grace on your part and your spouse will respond accordingly. Human nature is such that if you stand firm, the other party will also dig in. No doubt, your spouse has cheated. You don’t have to agree with his actions but it doesn’t mean you can’t listen to his point of view and seek understanding. Reconnecting with your spouse and infidelity recovery in a marriage is all about opening the dooors of communication and you can only truly reconnect when you keep an open mind and learn to emphatize.

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Whatever your feelings are on the state of your marriage, being able to sit down and communicate rationally about the situation is important in order to learn from the experience. This is more so if you are planning to have a better relationship with your spouse after this difficult phase in your relationship. If you don’t seek to understand why the cheating took place and what motivated your spouse to do it, you won’t be able to improve whatever is ailing your relationship and work on rebuilding your marriage after infidelity.

Communication Tips On Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity

So, what can you do to rebuild a marriage after infidelity? How do you talk and communicate in a way that can reestablish trust and connection? For a start, don’t get defensive. Usually, when a spouse expains why he cheats, he will bring up your shortcomings. Because of your behavior, he becomes unhappy and seeks comfort elsewhere.

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Avoid Being Defensive

If you start being angry and defensive when your spouse brings up your weaknesses, your discussion will get you nowhere. It’s hard to agree with what is being said, but you need to understand his unhappiness is real and it contributed to the cheating. The moment you become defensive, you deflect from the real issue. So, start by listening and refrain from offering your justification and resorting to counter-blaming. You will shut down further heart-to-heart discussion if you become defensive.

Refrain From Criticism

If you can’t be defensive, neither can you be judgmental. Being judgmental will usually lead to criticism. You can disagree about the action of cheating, but if you start being critical about your spouse’s character, you are making him feel bad about himself. Most people experience guilt when they have an affair. Magnifying that guilt by being critical will not make your spouse any happier. It won’t encourage him to talk when all you are doing is to make him look and feel bad. That is not the way to rebuild a marriage after infidelity when what you should try to achieve is reestablish trust and two-way communication.

It is also incredibly easy to be overly emotional when you are discussing about the cheating. This can lead you to say things you don’t mean and with a purpose to hurt. You tend to lose your rationality when you are suffering emotionally. As a result, everything your spouse says will seem unacceptable and wrong. Your response will be indicative of your feelings and this negative vibes will cause the whole communication to break down. So, if you don’t want a bitter discussion, control your emotions and reactions to open the gateway to better understanding so that both of you can start to rebuild the marriage after infidelity has happened.

Don’t Play The Blame Game

One last tip when rebuilding trust and intimacy is to stop the blaming and counter-blaming. There will be times after the affair that you and your spouse will bring up the many problems in the marriage. The tendency will be to blame each other for the disintegration of the relationship. For instance, your spouse explains that your behavior made him unhappy which is why he cheats. So, you start blaming him as a reason for your behavior. Next, he will start counter-blaming you for giving rise to that reason. What happens is the cheating discussion has turned into an exercise in blaming and counter-blaming. Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity requires maturity and restraint, not childish blame games that achieve little.

Remember that in every issue, we will always like to see things only from our own perspective. It is when you make it a point to take off your lenses and see things from your spouse’s perspective that you will understand him better. Having a cheating spouse is devastating. But even more devastating is if you don’t try to learn from it and make use of the experience as a lesson for personal growth and to rebuild your marriage after infidelity.

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We have also come across people who poison the mind of their kids against the cheating spouse. They speak badly about the cheating parent in a way that makes him seem like a worthless individual, not deserving of any love from the children. Then, there are others who simply make life extremely difficult for the cheating spouse and the other person in the affair using various ways and means to do so.

Fairness

Getting even is all about trying to right an unjust. You have been hurt and your spouse who cheated cannot be getting away unpunished. The guilty must be penalized in some way because there must be a sense of fairness. This is how the cheating spouse revenge feeling is triggered. How can a cheater be let off scott free while you, who are in pain, are left in an emotional mess? It’s not fair!

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True, but life isn’t always fair. You have to accept that. If you want to save your marriage when cheating has occured, then you cannot possibly demand for fairness. You cannot send a message to your spouse that because you have hurt me, you deserved to be hurt back so that you know how it feels like. The foundation of your marriage must be based on acceptance, grace and forgiveness if you want it to thrive again, not a demand for fairness. You cannot have the cheating spouse revenge spirit residing in you if you want your marriage to continue on a firmer and happier footing.

Healing

The other reason for avoiding the fairness game is for your own personal growth. You need to heal and getting revenge on a cheating spouse won’t make you any happier in the long run. An injustice has been done but you need to move forward. And you can’t do so if you are always thinking of getting revenge to right whatever wrong that has been done to you. It is hard bearing a grudge because you will end up being a bitter person if you refuse to let go.

Relationship and love can be complex. Because your spouse has cheated, it results in emotional pain. Since it affects you deeply, the cheating and injustice are magnified. You will feel that your spouse is totally to be blamed and he is not being fair for treating you this way. But, sometimes, what you fail to see is your own weaknesses that contributed to the problems at home and provided the motivation for your spouse’s infidelity.

That’s where getting even and demanding fairness will get you. Having the cheating spouse revenge syndrome minimizes your own weaknesses as you concentrate on the faults of your spouse. You will only see the wrong that has been done to you but you won’t see your own faults that contributed to the problem. It will be hard to heal and grow if you only know how to look at the fault of your spouse but not your own.

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