Marriage After Cheating – Demanding Change
The dynamics of a marriage after cheating will naturally be different from the phase before the affair happens. Commonly, when infidelity occurs, the betrayed party would demand changes. These usually entail changes for the better in terms of habit, personality and actions. Because your spouse has hurt you, you feel that you have the right to expect your spouse to accommodate your every whim and fancy. It’s his responsibility to make you happy again for all the hurt that he has caused.
Control
So, if you need him to be more open, you expect him to talk when you want him to. If you think he should spend more time at home, you demand that he accedes to your request. If you feel he should go with you to do your shopping, he must follow. It’s like a small price to pay for having cheated on you to do what you want him to do. To you, fixing the marriage after cheating has taken place should be more of his responsibility than yours.
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Perhaps, it’s a form of control. Because you have been betrayed, you want to take back control of your life and one way to do that is to start controlling your spouse, the one who has hurt you. Through exercising such control, you feel more in charged, which is a defense mechanism for further pain in the marriage after cheating seems to have wreck your happiness.
Willingness To Change
Sometimes, cheaters change and do what is being told because of guilt. But they change, not because they want to, but because circumstances are forced upon them. So, be aware that your spouse may be listening to you to change his behavior because he needs to do that to keep the marriage, not because it comes from within to want to do better to make you happy.
The difference between a willingness from within and external pressure to change is it can turn into a form of resentment for the latter. Imagine you are constantly being pressured by your spouse to change. Would you feel more disconnected from him rather than becoming more intimate? To save a marriage after cheating requires rebuilding intimacy and trust, not pressure on one or the other to change.
You Too Should Change
If you think your spouse should change, you should also look at yourself and see where you can change to make your relationship better. No doubt, your spouse may a duty to work harder to save the marriage after cheating but the reality is in a marriage, it takes two to tango. If you demand your spouse to change without evaluting your own weaknesses, you are not improving your relationship in any way. Remember, it may be your own weaknesses that pushed your spouse to look for warmth elsewhere in the first place.
The other good reason why you should change first before you demand your spouse to do the same is because you must take the lead to encourage him to move in the same direction. Your actions can influence your spouse. If he sees that you are serious in improving the marriage after cheating has taken place and you are changing in a positive way, he will be more likely to follow. For instance, if you make a change from being bitter to be more understanding, your spouse would be encouraged to get closer to you rather than the other way round. This will help to strengthen your marriage, all because you took the first step to change first.
Therefore, if you really think your spouse should change, always look at yourself as well and identify all your weaknesses, baggages, faults and insecurities. They too can be contributing factors to a lousy marriage overall.
