Having trust after infidelity can be a huge obstacle in repairing and maintaining a marriage. Because when cheating happens, trust is naturally broken. Trust is, in fact, a neccessary ingredient in a healthy marriage because it allows two people to share the deepest intimacy, fears and secrets. Our deepest feelings can only be shared when there is trust. And a marriage can only be truly meaningful and intimate at all levels when there is connection through sharing of those deep feelings within us. So, intimacy and trust need to go hand-in-hand.

Admit Your Mistake

But if you have cheated on your spouse, what can you do to earn back trust after infidelity, since it is a necessary ingredient for a happy and intimate marriage? The first step is, of course, to admit that you are wrong. You can explain what made you did it, but you should never justify your action. A mistake is a mistake. Don’t try to justify your affair, especially by blaming your spouse. You are not showing sincerity if you try to give reasons for your wrongful behavior.

It’s the same as catching your kid stealing. You can hear him out, but you would find it hard to accept his justification for stealing, especially when you know he is inventing excuses to put the blame elsewhere for his unacceptable behavior. So, admit you are wrong as a start, but don’t try to justify your affair in any way. That is the first step to earn back trust after infidelity.

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Learn To Listen

Next, you will need to listen. Listening means caring and putting the interest of your spouse ahead of your own. You may not like her reaction or anger. But it is your job to listen and emphatize with her feelings. It is not the time for you to say your piece, give excuses or come up with insensitive statements. Trust after infidelity is extremely fragile and you should not do things that make it worse.

Many cheaters like to tell their spouse to “forget and get over it” but to the one who has been hurt, it is not as simple as that. Because your spouse has been hurt by you, she now wants you to understand how you have made her feel. And such hurt cannot be overcome in a short period of time. To ask her to “get over it” is one of such insensitivities that won’t make trust come back easily because you are pushing away intimacy by dismissing her feelings. Trust after infidelity takes time to recover and you can’t possibly earn it back in a matter of days.

Say Sorry

Naturally, as the cheating spouse, you will also need to show your regret and remorse for your infidelity. You will have to apologize sincerely and demonstrate that you are unhappy for all the pain your spouse is going through. Remember the focus is on your spouse, not you.

Words are also not enough. A sincere apology has to be followed by actions that can slowly regain trust. This can be achieved by making new rules in your relationship, especially when the marriage is still fragile. For example, reassure your spouse that you can now be reached at any time. Let her know you will always call if you are late coming home, and make sure you do it. These are the little things that you can do to gradually improve trust after infidelity in your marriage. It is inconvenient, but you will need to act accordingly to fix back what you broke.

Be Patient

Lastly, you will need to be patient. Repairing trust is not something that you can do in a day or week. It takes months. Therefore, have a little patience because those months are crucial when rebuilding is taking place. If you rush things and try to get your spouse to “get over it” as mentioned above, you are less likely to achieve your objective of earning back that trust after infidelity.

Take it slow, be patient and show your sincerity by having your spouse’s welfare at heart at all times. As your spouse learn to trust you little by little, channels of communication will gradually re-open up and there will be more room for discussion and emotional intimacy. This will lead you to a stronger and happier marriage down the road.

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