The second group of people comprises those at the other end of the pole. Not only do these people want to know what their spouse is up to, they want to know every little detail. Where, when, how and why are the usual questions being asked. Everybody else would probably fit in between. They want to know but they may not like to dig all the way to the most intimate part of the affair.

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The Pros & Cons Of Asking

Wanting to know every little detail of what your spouse has done has its pros and cons. If you don’t ask, you risk having your imagination run wild. Asking means having a chance to communicate and begin the process of healing from infidelity. It provides an avenue to be told the truth and learn what your spouse was feeling and thinking at the time of cheating.

But asking also means you have to know how to handle the truth. Sometimes, the answers that you get may be worse than what that you have originally thought. In other words, when your spouse is honest, the answers can be brutal and you may end up being more unhappy and angry with what you have heard than not knowing at all. For instance, the extent of the affair can be much deeper than what you had imagined it would be when you choose to ask about the details.

How To Get Your Spouse To Talk

So, should you find out more? Yes, if you are the type who needs to know in order to move forward and begin healing from infidelity by your spouse. But how you do it is crucial. In a lot of cases, the cheater is not willing to discuss and open up because once the affair has been discovered, the cheater expects you to move on and not linger on the past. To the cheater, recovery means moving on, forgive and forget.

But to you, recovery may mean opening up the past for discussion and heart-to-heart talk. You will have to make your spouse understand this before badgering him or her with countless questions. Also, bear in mind that healing from a cheating episode cannot happen overnight. Even if you need to know, do it with tact and understanding. Begin with the easier questions first, the ones which are less sensitive. Once you have slowly opened up the issue for discussion, you can then try asking the more difficult questions.

The other thing that you should do when wanting to know the details in healing from infidelity is to listen. A cheating spouse may be reluctant to talk because he or she is being judged. If you want to know the details and want it to become part of the healing process, you have to learn not to accuse and judge. Just listen although you can let your spouse know how you feel. But never be bitter or critical and start a fight. It will merely make your spouse clam up.

One last reminder would be don’t make it into an interrogation exercise. If you do that, it is only natural that your spouse would be defensive and this defeats the purpose of asking. The intention is to get your spouse to talk, not to start a fight. It is hard but you have to encourage your partner to talk. And you can only do that if you show that you are willing to listen and that you appreciate his or her honesty. Remember it can be hard for a cheater to open up because being involved in an affair is nothing to be proud of.

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We have also come across people who poison the mind of their kids against the cheating spouse. They speak badly about the cheating parent in a way that makes him seem like a worthless individual, not deserving of any love from the children. Then, there are others who simply make life extremely difficult for the cheating spouse and the other person in the affair using various ways and means to do so.

Fairness

Getting even is all about trying to right an unjust. You have been hurt and your spouse who cheated cannot be getting away unpunished. The guilty must be penalized in some way because there must be a sense of fairness. This is how the cheating spouse revenge feeling is triggered. How can a cheater be let off scott free while you, who are in pain, are left in an emotional mess? It’s not fair!

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True, but life isn’t always fair. You have to accept that. If you want to save your marriage when cheating has occured, then you cannot possibly demand for fairness. You cannot send a message to your spouse that because you have hurt me, you deserved to be hurt back so that you know how it feels like. The foundation of your marriage must be based on acceptance, grace and forgiveness if you want it to thrive again, not a demand for fairness. You cannot have the cheating spouse revenge spirit residing in you if you want your marriage to continue on a firmer and happier footing.

Healing

The other reason for avoiding the fairness game is for your own personal growth. You need to heal and getting revenge on a cheating spouse won’t make you any happier in the long run. An injustice has been done but you need to move forward. And you can’t do so if you are always thinking of getting revenge to right whatever wrong that has been done to you. It is hard bearing a grudge because you will end up being a bitter person if you refuse to let go.

Relationship and love can be complex. Because your spouse has cheated, it results in emotional pain. Since it affects you deeply, the cheating and injustice are magnified. You will feel that your spouse is totally to be blamed and he is not being fair for treating you this way. But, sometimes, what you fail to see is your own weaknesses that contributed to the problems at home and provided the motivation for your spouse’s infidelity.

That’s where getting even and demanding fairness will get you. Having the cheating spouse revenge syndrome minimizes your own weaknesses as you concentrate on the faults of your spouse. You will only see the wrong that has been done to you but you won’t see your own faults that contributed to the problem. It will be hard to heal and grow if you only know how to look at the fault of your spouse but not your own.

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In that sense, forgiving infidelity in a marriage is an extremely difficult step to take. There is too much hurt which is hard to let go, especially after years of being together as a couple.

Forgiving Infidelity To Heal

But whether you are going to save your marriage or intending to leave, forgiving a cheating spouse is necessary for your own well-being. When you forgive, you can begin to let go of the past and the pain. People make the mistake of thinking that once they forgive, the cheater gets all the benefits while they are left with all the pain. That is not true at all.

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Just imagine not forgiving that person who has hurt you. You may carry hatred in your heart, become bitter, brood, sulk and generally unhappy. Your spouse and his cheating start to control your thoughts and emotions. You can choose not to forgive but it will haunt you in other ways. In reality, not forgiving infidelity can hurt just as much, if not more, than forgiving from the heart and letting go.

The pain may be present whether your forgive or you don’t, but one will lay the foundation for personal growth and freedom from further unhappiness, while the other will trap you in a cycle of bitterness. You cannot get out of that cycle because you are letting the bitterness to control you. And the bitterness cannot be completely extinguished when there is an unwillingness in forgiving infidelity and letting go.

Forgiving Infidelity To Save Marriage

Besides giving yourself an opportunity to grow and for your own emotional well-being, forgiving infidelity by your spouse also helps to repair your relationship with him or her. If you are considering working on your marriage, then forgiveness is one of the first few steps you must take.

By forgiving, you are sending a message to your spouse that there is still love regardless of the wrong that he has committed. It shows grace and maturity on your part and this will encourage a feeling of gratitude and regret from your spouse for the hurt he has caused you. There will be more motivation to make it up to you when you forgive and reconnect compared to if you insist on holding on to the wrong done to you.

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But when betrayal happens to you, it is also your duty to cope and make the best out of the situation. Surviving infidelity depends a lot on yourself because only you can pull yourself together and confront the problems in your marriage. Infidelity can destroy your life only if you allow it to do so.

When Betrayal Happens To You

Interestingly, a relationship expert and professor, Dr Gilda Carle, says that when betrayal happens to you, it really happens FOR you. What it means is that cheating is the catalyst for something better to emerge. Apart from all the pain, infidelity pushes the problems in your marriage to the forefront to force you to deal with them.

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This serves to benefit you in one of two ways. One, it can make your marriage healthier and stronger from the experience because you are finally dealing with all the long-standing problems in your marriage previously swept under the carpet. Or two, it makes you rethink the future of your marriage and provides the motivation and reason you need to walk away to begin life anew. 

Furthermore, life after infidelity doesn’t mean you will end up with a lonely or bleak future.  

1. Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed.
2. After a betrayal, 65% of couples choose to stay together. The 35% who part ways question what took them so long.
3. Cheating DOES mean a relationship needs SERIOUS repair.
4. WITH THE RIGHT GUIDANCE, BETRAYAL CAN JUMPSTART A MORE LOVING FUTURE — WITH YOUR CURRENT MATE OR A NEW ONE.

– Dr Gilda Carle –

In a way, surviving infidelity is about change, whether it is about being independent again or improving the foundation of your marriage. Many people fear change and because of that, they bury their heads in the sand and let the problems drag on while feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage. If your spouse is cheating, don’t let that happen to you. You should see infidelity as a sign that a change is needed and that is a change for the better.

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